Baby Joke
Contributed by: R. Harding
A lady got onto a train withher newborn baby. Across from her sat a man who
was obviously drunk. He kept starring at her until their eyes met. Without
provocation, the man said, in a slurred intoxicated voice, "Lady, that's
the ugliest baby I have ever seen."She was shocked and horrified, but
decided to ignore the lush. A few minutes later, their eyes met again and
once more the drunk spoke; "Lady, I gotta tell ya, that is the ugliest kid
I have ever seen!" The woman began to cry, catching the attention of the
conductor. After a brief struggle, the drunk was moved to another car. The
conducter returned to try and calm the nearly hysterical mother."Ma'am", he
began "I am so sorry! I don't know what that man said to you, but I can
assure you,we are willing to make it up to you. Please feel free to order
anything you would like from the dining car, compliments of the house. I
will bring you an extra pillow and a bottle of our very best champagne,
and, I will personally go to the kitchen and see if I can find a banana for
your monkey"
A lady got onto a train withher newborn baby. Across from her sat a man who
was obviously drunk. He kept starring at her until their eyes met. Without
provocation, the man said, in a slurred intoxicated voice, "Lady, that's
the ugliest baby I have ever seen."She was shocked and horrified, but
decided to ignore the lush. A few minutes later, their eyes met again and
once more the drunk spoke; "Lady, I gotta tell ya, that is the ugliest kid
I have ever seen!" The woman began to cry, catching the attention of the
conductor. After a brief struggle, the drunk was moved to another car. The
conducter returned to try and calm the nearly hysterical mother."Ma'am", he
began "I am so sorry! I don't know what that man said to you, but I can
assure you,we are willing to make it up to you. Please feel free to order
anything you would like from the dining car, compliments of the house. I
will bring you an extra pillow and a bottle of our very best champagne,
and, I will personally go to the kitchen and see if I can find a banana for
your monkey"
July 05
Our Jamaican WeddingMoon!
Off we go! Left home at 6am to Newark airport where we boarded our Continental flight for Montego Bay.Landed at Montego Bay airport about 12pm local time. Took a 2 hour trip to Ocho Rios with our bus driver, Big Johnson.
Got to Sandals Grande and checked in to our villa suite. First thing we did was to take a dip in our private pool.Had a late lunch at the grill by the Manor pool.
Day 2- Sunday
First morning in Jamaica. This morning we had a meeting with our wedding coordinator, Suzette, at 9am. We had to go to the Rivera side so we took the opportunity to explore the beach. Took a katamaran out for a bit, although Dean did most of the rowing!
We spent a good portion of the day in the pool again! (Can you blame us!) We listened to local Country singer Billy Joe Neill at the Piano Bar and had dinner.
Day 3-Monday
Today we had another early start and took a quick ride over to the beach side of the resort to enjoy breakfast. We met 2 other couples and hung out in the big pool with them for a while. The big pool on that side has an excellent swim-up bar that had really delicious non-alchohol drinks. Then we took a boat tour round the line of the shore. The houses are really spectacular; the tour guide pointed out a home that was worth $1.5 million!
In the evening they had a reggae beach party with limbo dancers and flame eaters. Let me tell you, that limbo guy sure can go low! At one point he had the limbo bar just a bit above his ankles and lit it with fire and went under!
We signed up for a few of the tours... Blue Mountain bicycle tour and Dunns River Falls Cruise (a.k.a. The Booze Cruise) and a sunset cruise to Margarittaville. Hmm...are we being a bit over-ambitious here?
Day 4- Tuesday
Our wedding day! Had a light breakfast then came back to the suite to get dressed for the wedding. The ceremony was extremely touching...
We had the afternoon to ourselves then had a very fancy beautiful dinner at Orchids restaurant.
Day 5- Wednesday
We had a very cozy breakfast in bed (thanks, weddings dept!) Then hung out and explored the rest of the resort. Made it over to the rock-climbing wall: no prizes for guessing who made it only half-way while her husband scaled right to the top!
At 4 we boarded the Catamaran for the sunset cruise. The trip took us to Margaritaville where we were able to do some shopping. Witnessing the sunset from the boat was really amazing. After the boat docked we went to the buffet for dinner.
We took a late night stroll and found the hidden jacuzzi nearby.
Day 6-Thursday
We had an early start today to catch the 8am bus to Blue Mountain. The bus ride was long but we got to see a lot of sights along the way- the James Bond Beach, and the guarded entrance to Ian Fleming's home. We finally got to the starting point for the Bicycle Tour and had breakfast. We enjoyed a bit of the native food with 'Callaloo', a spicy spinach dish. The first sight of the bikes scared me as I do not know how to ride, but we were able to finagle a tandem bike so Dean could steer. The ride was scary in the beginning, but once you get used to biking at the edge of the mountain, overlooking a 7000 foot drop, it was kind of cool. It was also all downhill so we didn't have to pedal. After the first 6 miles, we stopped to get a demonstration of how coffee is made in the Blue Mountain. For anyone who gets their hands on raw coffee beans-here's a rundown:
Step 1-Place coffee beans and a bit of water in a mortar and use a pestle to remove the skin.
Step 2- Place now skinned beans onto a metal pot and heat to dry and then roast.
Step 3- Return dried beans to the mortar and pound with pestle to make powdered coffee.
Step 4- Brew, enjoy, then bike 4 miles to the end of the tour!
After the tour, we decided to check out the Manor Restaurant for dinner. By this time, I had decided that all the food was beginning to take on an 'all-inclusive' flavor to it. There was a nice jazz band that played over the swim up bar, and from our seats we had a lovely view of the sunset and the lit-up pool.
Day 7-Friday
This morning we boarded the catamaran at 10am for the infamous 'Booze Cruise'. We stopped at the reef for snorkeling, which was really amazing. The fish and aqualife is so colorful you don't know where to look- which would explain why I bruised my knee on a coral reef! (The Booze Cruise Bruise) The next stop was at Dunns River Falls which is quite a sight. The falls end leading into the ocean, creating a neat beach attraction. We all formed a human chain and slowly made our way to the top of the falls which is about 600 feet tall! At the top of the falls are stairs which take you down...with considerably less fanfare than the trip up! :)
The cruise really started popping once we left Dunns River Falls. We decided to sit in the bough of the catamaran where they have huge stretches of woven canvas that you can lay on. It was like an amusement ride with all the leaps and plunges and sprays of water. We were warned we might get wet, but we were in fact not warned that it would be coming from the sharp hail that fell midway through the trip. The party carried on though, and we enjoyed all the Jamaican party favorites such as 'Big Bamboo Stick' (which means exactly what you think it does!) and learned the "cent-5cent-10cent-dollar" dance...I think I still owe Dean 20 cents from that! (Dean has now interjected and states that I owe him 2 dollars!)
We were soaked from that trip as the hail then turned into a full thunderstorm-but we partied our worries away nontheless. We went to the photoshop to get our wedding pictures back, and then went to the gift shop to spend our $250 credit which we were so graciously extended when we checked in. And I might add that, as there was to be no cash refund of any unused portion, we were able to rack up a whopping $249.94...just 6cents short of our total credit. (Maybe I can use that to settle my dance total due to Dean from the boat!)
We went to get dinner-to-go from the Grill, where the waitress had to be related to Lucille Ball. She succeeded in getting every order she took wrong! She asked 2 patrons if they had placed their order, when they replied that they hadn't, she still didn't take the order!
Day 8-Saturday
Time to go home... and not a moment too soon. We're refreshed and ready to go- and it hasnt stopped raining since last night. We had a final breakfast to fortify us for the long trip ahead (I couldn't find a direct flight so we'll be going through Houston to Newark). The 2 hour trip back to the Montego Bay Airport seemed to go much faster than when we arrived. We got to Houston, TX with exactly 1 hour to grab our bags and jump onto our connecting flight...and of course we got selected for a 'secondary' search which made us miss our flight to Newark, which was also the last flight of the day.
So off to the Humble, TX Econolodge we went to spend the night until our 6am flight tomorrow morning.
Day 9- Sunday
Let's try this again.... we finally made the flight back to NJ. In fact, I accidentally set my alarm clock an hour earlier because I hadn't adjusted my Treo's time to the 1 hour time difference. So after waking up at 3:30 this morning, we could not be more happy to arrive home!
I feel like Dorothy- there really is no place like home!
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