Thursday, October 30, 2008

New Category: Letters from the Cleav

Its been about 3 years since I last blogged about my Subway Peeves, which was my outlet to rant about all the things that annoyed me on my daily commute on the New York MTA. Fortunately, now we live in good old Texas and I have the luxury of driving everywhere I need to go and have no more gruesome tales for you. However, one of my best friends, 'the Cleav' still lives in the big Apple and regales me weekly with tales that have me doubled over in laughter. I've decided I simply have to share.




Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Letters from the Cleav. I will post them as I get them after this initial batch. Don't judge her from her punctuation- most times she sends me this from her phone!

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:30:46 -0400
Subject: cheetos for lunch
okay so i hate the students on this campus that feed the birds and squirrels because then they attack when you try to eat outside... i am so poor today that i bought a bag of cheetos for lunch. and i was sitting outside on a bench and the little critters heard the bag opening and came running...2 squirrels and like 12 little birds...and they come right up to me to where i could pet them or hit them, whichever....at first i felt like Snow White with all the little animals around her as she sings in the forest, but I'm just not nice enough to them for that to be true...I looked like I had some sort of motor reflex disorder because I kept flailing my arms and legs violently to scare them away which would work until they came right back over and over again...and as if that didn't make me look crazy enough, I was on the phone with Jen and yelling "get away from me! i'm not giving you a cheeto! don't you know we are in a recession?!?!?!"




From: Cleav
Sent: Wednesday, October 15, 2008 9:15 AM
To: Lulu
Subject:
i have a mini-crush on my bus driver. i get him almost every morning if i
catch the 8:05am...he is kinda cute but not really that much...but he is
really mean to stupid people on the bus which i love...a man after my own
heart ;-)
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On Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 11:13 AM, Lulu wrote:
Hahaha! How many days have you caught the bus on days you don't have to be
anywhere just to spend time with him???!
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Sent from my HP iPAQ 910
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On Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 11:21 AM, Cleav wrote:
LOL! none so far...but that's not a bad idea...this morning some guy
tried to say he pushed the button to get off at the next stop and the bus
driver was like really loud and said "tell the truth, you didn't push it"
like over and over until the guy finally broke and was like "ok well i
didn't push it in time but--" and the driver stops him and says "see, if you
woulda told the truth i woulda let you off but you didn't so now you have to
walk" and i was just looking at him with little hearts coming out of my
eyes...i sure know how to pick 'em!


Time: Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:15:30 -0400
From: Cleav
Subject:NYC bus adventures with Cleav

so this morning was tons of fun...I got stuck in line for the bus behind this man who must've been the only polite person left in the city because instead of pushing his way on the bus like you have to in New York, he decides to let everyone in front of him...literally 8 or 9 people just hopping on the bus that is almost full and I can't get on because he is blocking me... Finally I said "Can you go please?" and the guy behind me said "seriously man you can't be so nice" and he finally got on. Now, I might seem like a heartless person when I tell you that you cannot be that nice in New York City but anyone who lives here knows it is the absolute truth. The only time I let anyone on the bus before me (if I was there first) is if it's an old person...and usually they have to have some sort of cane or walking device on top of that...otherwise, sorry, i was here first, get out of my way. Cutting in line for the bus is just one of my pet peeves that I have after living in the city for a few years and I just can't help it. Now once I'm on the bus, if I get a seat I will be the first one to give it up for an older person (with or without a walking device) or a pregnant woman or a child because I know they have to hang on for dear life when the bus driver decides to take the corners going 40mph...big strong grown men won't give up their seat but I always will, no problem...but DON'T and i mean DON'T cut in front of me in line or we will have a problem.

now that i have gotten that out of the way...back to this morning's festivities...now I'm packed on the bus with people that think it's okay to be pressed up against each other and I am smelling smells that just aren't supposed to be smelled...things you only smell when you are in really close proximity to someone...bad breath and greasy hair...you just aren't supposed to smell those things but on the bus this morning, it was on. there i am without a seat, hanging onto this nasty greasy pole, already dreaming about breaking out the anti-bacterial wipes in my purse, and practically straddling the man sitting comfortably in front of me while the bus driver is careening over the Triborough Bridge with no regard for the people that are standing up on his bus. and all i'm thinking is "whatever dude, go as fast as you want, because the sooner i can stop smelling this man's armpit next to me, the better" it's never a good thing when you would rather end up going through the windshield when the bus stop short than continue being subjected to the stank next to you, right? but this morning, that's just the way it was. as i'm hanging on with all my might all of a sudden i hear a woman preaching the word of god...yep, some lady thought it was time to convince all of us "sinners" to repent and follow the word of the lord if we wanted to meet him in the kingdom of heaven. all i was thinking was "lady, can you ask your wonderful god to get me off this bus with all you crazy people?" anyway, her lovely speech lasted about 10 minutes, just enough time for me to somehow reach into my pocket and turn my i-pod on blast and curse my life.

so after a few stops i finally get a seat which is such a great thing right? not so much...because this morning's bus population was straight out of Ringling Brothers...so you just don't know who's gonna sit down next to you. i got lucky and just a semi-smelly person sat next to me...but the lady in front of me decided this was a great time to comb her greasy dandruff hair while she bopped to the beat of her music like she was on Soul Train...as i watched the comb go through her hair and the greasy white powder build up in her comb, it took everything i had to not dry-heave right there...but it gets better because an even nastier person sat down next to her...the fattest woman i have ever seen on 2 feet...now it is really hard for me to not have sympathy for someone like that because i truly do feel for extremely overweight people but when they have not bathed in a good 3 weeks my sympathy goes right out the window. this woman was so gross that the greasy dandruff soul train woman was actually disgusted...now that's just unacceptable...if you can manage to gross out the crazy greasy dandruff lady, then it is just time to take a shower, ya know? i just closed my eyes and prayed that it would be over soon...

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